The limits and excesses of a wedding

By The Mercury

Hey, you! Yeah, you sitting or standing on the thing at the place reading this!

I have an important message for you: Stop limiting yourself. Stop it right now. I see you hiding your limits behind your back. Drop it. Thank you.

I’m not sure about how you are limiting yourself as an individual. I do know we limit ourselves a lot based on traditions.

Once upon a time, a group of people began something new. It was exciting. The people loved it. At some point, others decided to adopt the same thing. Enough people adopted the same thing. Now, this thing that was once new has become a tradition.

That’s why we celebrate holidays in the exact same fashion every year. That’s why our ceremonies for the most part are identical. Well, I’m tired of that.

Why should we continue following the decisions of the guy who thought speeches during graduations are a good thing? Graduation speeches are the most unnecessary things ever.

If you wanted me to learn a lesson about high school or college, that lesson should have come long before the day of graduation.

I’m only here for one thing, and that isn’t to hear my classmate say something about all the theoretical good times we all experienced. I’m quite aware of those good times and will recount them with my actual friends at a later date.

I don’t need to hear a real adult give some real talk about the real world. It’s not even real talk. If it was true real talk, that person would be telling us about debt, divorce, the fact that a lot of us won’t make our current dreams come true and giving advice on how to deal with all that.

I enjoy fireworks, but I can only buy them on the days leading up to Independence Day.

What jerk decided we only wanted to pop fireworks once a year? I didn’t realize we needed a special occasion to have fun.

Not only are we limiting fun by only selling fireworks at that time, we’re limiting a potential thriving business. You mean to tell me that Labor Day wouldn’t be more fun with fireworks? I would like to pop fireworks for my birthday. There’s Juneteenth, which is Independence Day for black people. There are those Fridays when I just want to make things explode.

The worst offender of all is the wedding. How dare you oppress us with your traditions, wedding.

I have to spend how much for a ring? Does anybody know the difference between a bridal shower and a bachelorette party? Why do we need so many cakes and dances? People can’t eat before they get to the reception, which is just a glorified afterparty?

The wedding planner is the graduation speech of jobs. The job exists solely because somebody decided we need all of this stuff surrounding a wedding. All of that is ridiculous. Just bring it down the aisle.

A few wise men have told me that a wedding is supposed to be a very special day that the bride runs. I understand that removal of the pageantry is out of my hands, but maybe we can do it in a different way.

At some point next year, I’m supposed to attend a destination wedding on one of the islands. Not as a participant but just an onlooker.

That’s still not enough. We have to go further than farther. What am I talking about? I’m talking about a tuxspeedo, a full-body Speedo with a tuxedo design.

If I’m going to fly to an exotic location to get married, the last thing I want to do is wear something I would’ve worn if I was going to the courthouse. There should also be usage of jetskis, the happiest mode of transportation ever. People should use water guns on me and my bride as we run majestically into the ocean after the ceremony.

I told my girlfriend about my vision. She seemed concerned about my mental health. There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with her. (She can never read this.)

Of course, people will always doubt you when you try to go beyond their self-imposed limits. Ignore them. Keep reaching for the stars. Literally. I watched a man skydive from space back down to solid ground. If he can do that, why can’t you train with the person you love for to have a space wedding? Perhaps that was a little too far. I get overzealous sometimes. But you know that project you’ve been putting off because you’re not sure you can do it? Yeah, you should totally do that.

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