My wife Joyce and I will help our first (and only) grandchild celebrate his third birthday.Bryce is the cutest kid in the world, says the funniest things and entertains us ceaselessly. Oh, and did I mention how smart he is?
People who know how attached we are to our little guy tell us grandparent jokes. Here are a couple (they’re not as cute as Bryce, but what is?):
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
A second-grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, trying to keep her cool, said, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?” “It’s easy,” replied the little girl. “You just change the ‘Y’ to ‘I’ and add ‘ES.’
What could be more fun than fortune cookies? Okay, a lot of things. But those crunchy little folded wafers with a forecast for one’s future baked inside do provide some amusing moments after a meal at a Chinese restaurant.Of course, the “fortunes” inside are rarely more than general statements that could apply to nearly anyone, and they are almost always positive.
You hardly ever see a fortune cookie fortune that reads, for instance, “Death awaits you shortly after you pay your bill.”To liven up the fortune-cookie experience, a friend of our family suggested reading the fortunes aloud and adding “...in bed” at the end. Like this: “Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals. Do it ...in bed!”“You will take a chance in the near future, and win ...in bed.” “You are a born leader ...in bed.” “The coming days hold lots of excitement for you ...in bed.“Hilarious, eh? Try it with your next fortune. You will be doubling over with laughter ...in bed.
My crazy cousin Tom, a Manhattan native who now lives in Arizona, is always on the lookout for funny stories about Kansas. Recently, he sent me this one: His name was Bubba, he was from Kansas, and he was on vacation. Upon arriving in New York City, Bubba walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He told the bank official he was going to Paris for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer was hesitant since Bubba wasn’t a depositor in the bank, and he told Bubba the bank would need some sort of security for the loan. So Bubba handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Bubba produced the title, and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for the trouble. After Bubba left the bank with his money, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh over the redneck from Kansas who used a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and carefully parked it.
Two weeks later, Bubba returned and repaid the $5,000 along with interest of $23.07.The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. “While you were away, we checked you out on Dun & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumnus of Kansas State University, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”The good ol’ boy smiled and replied, “Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for only $23 and expect it to be there when I get back?”Keep an eye on these Kansas boys, Tom adds.