Happy people are the worst

By Bryan Richardson

I’m a mostly peaceful person, but I get irrationally angry about certain things.

President Barack Obama on ESPN/talk shows — We get it. You like sports, music and talking like the common man. Go fix something. The White House to-do list is growing quite large, sir.

No pennies in the take-a-penny tray — I never leave a penny, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t leave a penny for me.

Couples showing too much public affection — Look everybody, it’s the World’s Happiest Couple! I’m sure those two are going to stay together forever! (I use sarcasm a lot.)

Strangers talking to me — I’ll initiate a conversation with a stranger, but there’s always a reason. Don’t talk to me about the weather, bro. I’m serious. We will never talk again. I know it’s cold. I’m wearing a coat. (Obviously, I don’t have many friends.)

One thing that really gets me riled up is when people are too nice when the situation doesn’t call for it. For instance, I’ll go to a fast-food restaurant because I’m unhealthy and too lazy to cook.

While there, I occasionally encounter the happiest person ever working. We all know that person: A smile so wide you see every single tooth. Big eyes try to penetrate your soul with happy rays. The lack of inside voice used to thank you for coming.

I’m not a celebrity. I’m not the one millionth customer. I didn’t buy the burger that saved the restaurant. I’m just a regular person who walked in and bought something off the dollar menu.

Whenever the happiest person ever encounters me, I think to myself, “Yo, all that isn’t necessary. Stop making me feel like a jerk.”

I feel like a jerk because I’m not matching their level of happiness. It makes me think that something is wrong with me. I’m obviously the sane person in this equation, though.

My concern for not matching somebody’s level of emotion extends beyond trivial matters. It extends to more serious matters such as gay marriage.

The U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments this week concerning cases seeking to overturn the gay marriage ban in California and the Defense of Marriage Act, which is the federal law that restricts benefits for same-sex couples.

It brought people both pro- and anti-gay marriage outside the Court. I glanced at pictures of the group against gay marriage and didn’t get it. I again thought to myself, “Yo, all that isn’t necessary. Stop making me feel like a jerk.”

I’ll admit I thought this was the perfect movement for me at first. They’re not a fan of overly happy couples. I’m not a fan of overly happy couples. Let’s stop them from getting married and having overly happy kids.

Then, I realized they were talking about the other guy. Man with a man. Woman with a woman.

I feel like a jerk because these people are obviously upset about the possibility of gay marriage while I now feel nothing. I need help understanding why I should be upset.

Is it because homosexuality is a major sin to them? I know sin is bad, but it’s hard to take care of all sins in the nation’s laws. We can only address the major ones.

That’s why we arrest people for murder and theft. That’s why those protestors are against gay marriage. That’s why people who have premarital sex can’t get married.

I’m sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. People who have premarital sex can get married as of now. Once the gay issue gets resolved, I’m sure the protestors can move on to premarital sex because that’s a major sin I think.

I’m just confused about why two adults can’t marry each other. Maybe I’ll never be able to get as angry at gay marriage as some people. Sad face.

If a same-sex couple wants to get married, that doesn’t bother me. Unless they’re a stranger couple talking to me about the weather while being the happiest people ever and support Obama being on ESPN/talk shows, never leave a penny for me, and show too much public affection.

If they do those things, they don’t deserve to be married. Those people are the worst.

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