Grievances against a fortune cookie

By Bryan Richardson

As should be very apparent by now, I’m an extremely petty individual who feels strongly about insignificant things.

I hope I’m delivered from this evil spirit in my life one of these days.


DEAR CEO of the fortune cookie company,

“You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.”

Do you recognize this quote?

You should because this was a message inside a fortune cookie produced by your company that I received Sept. 20.

This message of hope brightened up the day for this lowly reporter who works for a newspaper called The Manhattan Mercury in Manhattan, Kan.

My star twinkled brightly that day.

As we all know, parades are the only way you can honor a community leader.

I’m not the biggest fan of parades, but I would absolutely love to be a participant at a parade in my honor.

I sat patiently and waited for Bryan Richardson Day to become a thing in Manhattan.

I set the parade deadline at the end of December before realizing that I’m not that patient. So I settled on the end of October.

I spent the following weekend and every weekend after that practicing my surprised face in the mirror.

I tried on various outfits for the parade and the key to the city ceremony that was sure to come.

I placed my complete faith in the fortune cookie industry to stay true to its fortune-telling word.

MY FORTUNE has been bankrupted.

September turned into October, which is now long gone.

It’s Nov. 10, and I haven’t seen the hint of a parade in my honor.

I can’t help but feel deceived.

I don’t understand the purpose of making such lofty claims if there was any doubt in the company’s mind that this wouldn’t take place.

Do you enjoy crushing people’s dreams, CEO of the fortune cookie company?

My shame grew three sizes that day.

Did it occur to me that I wasn’t actually a community leader?

Yes, it finally hit me last week that I didn’t lead the community. I only cover those who are considered community leaders.

Still, I feel that the phrasing of this “fortune” indicated that the company knew me personally.

I thought perhaps I’ve been a community leader and just didn’t recognize it.

 

MY SOUL has been stripped of its youthfulness.

Now, my eyes are open.

Now, I know that “fortune” cookies really don’t tell your fortune.

Everything I thought I knew has been a complete lie.

This is Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and love at first sight all over again.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

I’m a man of action. I can’t tolerate blatant lies from a company whose employees portray themselves as a bunch of Marty McFlys who have seen the future.

I regret to inform you that I have no choice but to boycott your cookie operations.

I’ve heard so many stories of people going through the same thing.

I’m certain that others will join me in denouncing your evil ways.

The power of consumers compel you.

Your days of lying to the citizens of the United States of America are numbered.

The revolution will not be televised. It will be read in the newspaper.

 

Sincerely disappointed in the fortune cookie industry,

 

Bryan Richardson

 

Reporter’s note: On a more significant note, Monday is Veterans Day. Thank the people who really deserve a parade. I’ll be sure to call my parents and sister to thank them for their service.









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