Getting too much action

By Paul Harris

I feel like the only appropriate action now is to sue Axe. That company has ruined my life with its tagline: Get some hair action. In those advertisements, females unapologetically grope and stroke a man’s hair. For those who have never gotten hair action, the commercials paint a fantasy for most men. An attractive female touches a guy, and he doesn’t have to do anything other than use an Axe hair product.

I know what it’s like to “get some “hair action,” and believe you me, it’s not pretty. Even when I was in middle school, girls would come over and play with my hair. When I was in yearbook class, girls decided it would be a good idea to straighten my hair. So they took a curling iron, and proceeded to do just that. I was a dumb guy and was happy to have the attention from someone of the opposite sex.

There was a similar trend in high school. Girls would sit behind me in class and talk about wanting to take me home and play with my hair. Again, being a dumb guy, I did not take advantage. While my hair was wild and free, on the inside I was shy and insecure.

When I went to college, I hit a bit of a dry spell. My hair was an afterthought. I was just trying to make it to class. The stress took a toll on my mane. It’s hard to get your hair up to snuff in those small and cramped dorm showers. You don’t really care about appearances; you’re just trying to get in and out.

It has not been until recently that I have rediscovered my magic.

I went to Bellus Academy to get my hair cut with my roommate two years ago. The girl cutting my roommate’s hair asked why I was there. He told her that I, too, was getting my hair cut. She responded by telling him that I had absolutely gorgeous hair and was wasting my apparent talent.

I was unaware until recently that “girls love the curls.”

But in the past few months, it’s not just girls who are commenting on my hair. Guys have started coming up to me and commenting on how beautiful my hair is. While it’s nice every once in a while, this constant attention can be a bit unnerving. I blame Axe for starting this trend.

I went to a house party recently with my girlfriend. As we were leaving, a partygoer grabbed me and started rubbing his hands through my hair. While he was doing this, he asked me what I do to get my hair so soft.

Another guy came up to me when I was playing pool at Fast Eddy’s and told me how great my curls looked.

My hair has popped my personal bubble.

A sister of my roommate will run her hands through my hair every single time she sees me. She reaches her hand out and like a trained dog, I stick my head forward so she can maneuver her fingers through my follicles.

It can be a little demeaning, but after a while you just get used to it. Honestly, I don’t mind, but sometimes I feel like an animal at the zoo.

One time I was eating with my co-workers at Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. A woman entered by herself and then sat down near our table. We locked eyes and she told me how great my hair was and how I should never ever cut it.

This conversation lasted for a solid two to three minutes. While the rest of my friends were in the midst of a discussion, I was being adored. I am not telling you these stories to boost my ego. I rarely look at my hair. I shampoo and condition, and I scrunch to bring out the curls. There is no special secret. If people appreciate it, that’s fine, but sometimes I just want to live a life in which I don’t have people at bars asking to touch my hair. The attention is nice, but sometimes I feel like a celebrity and have found myself sympathizing with Ashton Kutcher these past few weeks. OK, my hair has not gotten me to paparazzi status, but I want people to know that they cannot just come up to me and start rubbing their hands through my hair without my permission.

Like all things, hair action is only good in moderation.

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