My cousin Tom Maguire passed away recently.
You may have known Tom. He grew up in Manhattan in the 1950s and 60s and graduated from Manhattan High School.
He was the first of four cousins on my mom’s side of the family to die, which gives the other three of us pause to reflect on our own mortality.
One thing we all appreciated about Tom was his unique sense of humor. Although Tom and his wife Linda lived across the country from us, he and I kept in touch, mostly by exchanging funny things that people post on the internet.
I’ve passed some of those hilarious pieces along in this space.
A few days after Tom died, I was looking at his Facebook page, and I began to notice how much the things he and his friends had posted on there were representative of Tom’s brand of humor. I’m passing some of the quips, memes, notes and quotes I found on Tom’s page on to you so you can enjoy them too. Have fun!
If I can’t wear flip-flops, I don’t want to go.
I hope aliens don’t land in the USA and say take me to your leader. How embarrassing would THAT be?
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and play with iPads. When I was 3, I ate mud.
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names like Luvs, Huggies and Pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well, here’s the low-down. When babies poop their pants, people are still gonna Luv ’em, Hug ’em and Pamper ’em. When old people poop their pants, how much Luv they get Depends on who’s in the will.
Let the gays get married. Let the rednecks have their guns. Let the atheists be atheists and the Christians be Christians. America is about freedom, Freedom to live your life how you please.
So shoot your guns, praise Jesus, or not, and wish those two fellas next door a happy honeymoon.
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, “That’s us in 10 years.” He said, “That’s a mirror, idiot!”
I promise to take care of you when you’re old, but the first time you hit me with your cane, I’ll wash your dentures in the toilet.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do NOT go round and round.
After eating an entire bull, a lion felt so good he roared. He roared until a hunter came and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
Bottom line: A man should take care of his woman, and a woman should take care of her man. It’s all about teamwork here.
Caption on a picture of a lush, green forest: Oh look! A gender neutral bathroom.
First flying bird: “I haven’t seen a windshield for miles.” Second flying bird: “Then you’ll just have to hold it.”
After my prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear: “Who was THAT?”
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.
Parents can be real jerks.
I was drinking a margarita, and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”Iyelled,“Iknowtheentirealphabet!” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.