Birther Chronicles: Kansas edition

Will Obama remain on ballot? Stay tuned

By The Mercury

“We’re gonna get Obama off the election ballot in Kansas, and when we do, other states will follow, and Kansas will stake its claim as the reddest of red states.”

“You mean the land of the free and the home of the birthers?”

“Go ahead and laugh. We’re not birthers. We’re patriots. And Obama’s no more American than the folks who sneak across the border and take our jobs, except Obama stole the biggest job.”

“Was it a job you applied for?”

“That’s not the point. The point is he’s Kenyan, or African, or alien or something. He’s not one of us. I’m proud that a Manhattan citizen — a fellow patriot — who said his goal is ‘to uphold the rule of law and the Constitution of the United States,’  is challenging Obama’s citizenship.”

“Don’t you think the dispute over President Obama’s birth certificate has been settled? One court after another has sided with the president, and Arizona, which is weirder than most places about such things, approved it.”

“It’ll never be settled. He’s not American, and the absence of proof doesn’t change that. There’s an old Kenyan out there somewhere who knows the truth; all we have to do is find him.”

“You’re serious. Don’t you realize that even Donald Trump finally shut his trap about this after shelling out a small fortune on his own private investigation. So what makes you so sure you’re going to prevail?”

“Easy. We have a ringer on the board that’ll make the decision.”

“You mean the State Objections Board? Who’s your ringer?”

“Kris Kobach, of course. Nobody can sniff out illegals like he can. He’s sharp as a tack, and you know he’s a hero in Arizona and Alabama, where they know how to handle illegals.”

“He’s no friend to undocumented immigrants, I’ll grant you that. But he’s no fool, either. It’s one thing to try to strip in-state tuition privileges from the children of illegal immigrants and quite another to remove the U.S. president from the ballot. Kobach and the other members of the objections board would need the sort of proof that simply doesn’t exist.”

“Don’t be so sure. You’ll note that Kobach said, ‘I don’t think it’s a frivolous objection’ and indicated that the board wants proof before making a decision.”

“Fair enough. But that proof will amount to official copies of the birth certificate from Hawaii and Arizona. When they have that, Kobach and the rest of the board will dismiss this gripe and end this embarrassing episode. What I don’t understand is why you care. It’s not as if Obama has a snowball’s chance in Kenya of winning this state.”

“It’s a matter of principle. I can’t stand the thought that the president’s phony birth certificate fools so many people.”

“Then don’t think about it. Instead, think of ways to stop those black helicopters and the U.N. takeover of our country.”

“Yeah, that’ll cheer me up.”

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