The only way to deal with growing older is with a sense of humor.
As the years mount (which is better than the alternative), so do our aches, pains and medical bills. Our senses aren’t as sharp as they used to be, our bodies aren’t as agile and our minds aren’t as quick. But we’re still clinging to life, and that’s reason enough to look older age in the eye and chuckle.
There are lots of funny stories about oldsters. Here are a few:
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he leaned over, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”
An elderly man in the back of the room shouts, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”
Two elderly ladies have been friends for decades. Over the years, they have shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities have been limited to playing cards.
One day, they are playing cards when one looks at the other and says, “Now don’t get mad at me. . . I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glares at her. For at least three minutes, she just stares and glares. Finally, she says, “How soon do you need to know?”
AGAINST THE GRAIN
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 125. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Vernon, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
EITHER, OR ...
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls of a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell, “Supersex!” She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair and, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
ONE OR THE OTHER
My wife Joyce and I have seen legendary country music star Little Jimmy Dickens, age 91, on the Grand Ole Opry several times. Each time, Jimmy tells the same jokes ... and they are always just as funny as when we heard them the first time. Last time (and several times before that), he recounted, “My wife said, ‘Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love!’ And I said, ‘I can’t do BOTH.’”
CHECKING HIS ID
And finally, this great story about longtime TV personality Art Linkletter:
While speaking to a group of older adults at a retirement home, Art noticed a woman sitting on the front row, just smiling and nodding her head the whole time.
When he finished, he walked up to her, handed her an autographed photo and said, “Do you know who I am?” To which she replied, “No, but if you go to the front desk, they’ll tell you.”