All I want for Xmas…

By Bryan Richardson

Dear You,

Are you as excited about this time of the year as I am? In many ways, the anticipation of the Christmas season is similar to the anticipation of Christmas Day.

Stores can’t wait to put up Christmas decorations and play Christmas music. I abstain from Christmas-related things until December, as hard as that is.

It’s now Dec. 2, so the unimportant things of November can vanish. Move over, Obama. Get out the way, pilgrims. I need my Christmas, and I need it now.

I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time this year. Making a Christmas list used to be an annual tradition of mine, but I’ve been stumped in recent years on what I would like.

This year, that is all going to change. Unfortunately, I’ve grown out of the age group that typically gets gifts showered upon them.

That’s why I’m reaching out to you, my good buddy I haven’t seen in a while. You’ve always been so generous.

You don’t have to get me these items, but if there happens to be a gift for me under the Mercury Christmas tree, I would appreciate it. In typical Bryan fashion, I’ve given you the cost of each item as well.

1. Courage ($50)

I’d prefer my courage in the form of a karate outfit. I don’t have the discipline to take the classes to actually achieve a black belt, but I want the benefits of having one.

If I go out at night, I could wear my karate gi with my black belt and feel a bravery I’ve never felt before. I’m not seeking to cause violence, but I want to prevent it from happening to me.

I won’t actually need a knife, gun or the flavor-of-the-month weapon if I get my outfit of courage. Nobody messes with the guy wearing a karate outfit for no apparent reason. He could be a master of self-defense or crazy. Either way I’m winning.


2. Happiness (priceless)

I don’t know how much happiness costs, but it’s probably even less than courage. You know the best thing about me is it doesn’t take a lot to keep me entertained. For instance, I’m happy with bubble wrap. Some of the best times in my life have involved popping the stuff. I would buy it myself, but I have zero clues on where to buy a large amount of bubble wrap.

You’re a smart individual. I’ve always looked up to you. You’re just the type of person to know where to get bubble wrap to provide me the gift of happiness this Christmas.


3. Freedom ($1.29)

Freedom used to cost a buck - five, but you know how the inflation rate is. Obviously, we have freedom in America to do a lot of things. There’s no such thing as too much freedom, though.

Keeping that in mind, I would like a song on iTunes for the low, low price of $1.29. It’s called “Scream and Shout” by and Britney Spears.

As of Friday morning, it’s the top song on iTunes. The people have spoken and the best song available right now is “Scream and Shout.”

I’ve never heard of this song, which actually makes this gift even better. I have no clue what they’re screaming and shouting about.

Love? Christmas? Girl Scout cookies? It’s a mystery. I love mysteries. But you already know that, my friend.


4. Cash (free)

Folding money. Dead presidents. Moolah. Cheese. Dinero. Bucks. Racks. Stacks. The thing that rules everything around me.

The best part about cash is you’re not actually spending any money to get it. You already have it in your pocket or wallet right now. Just give me all your cash.


Hopefully, you haven’t already been Christmas shopping for me because I would hate for you to have to start over with my gift.

I’ll love you forever if you could make at least one of these gifts happen. Milk and cookies will be on the counter.



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